I ramble on way too much.

I've been thinking, and pondering about myself as a person a whole lot. And as I said in my last post, I have this ideal image of myself of who I want to become; who I aspire to be.

 But the question is, will I ever be good enough? Will there ever be a time where I can be happy with myself?

...Maybe not. Yeah, I should keep improving myself, and make myself better. But I should consider applying it to the present. Accepting myself as a person now. Don't get me wrong, I don't sit and criticize myself all day long. What I really need is to let go of things of the past, and let go of things of the future. This reminds of Linkin Park's song Iridescent, which has gotten me through soo much lately.

The chorus says
"Do you feel cold and lost in desperation?
You build up hope, but failure's all you've known
Remember All the sadness and frustration
And let it go"

I feel like this applies to me in every aspect about my life. Everything that has happened to me. Every tear, feeling of loneliness, every failure. Let it go. Move on.

I feel like I am contradicting myself from my last post. I really do try not to dwell on the past. I think my weakness how worried I get. About everything.

Which brings me to the next thing I've been thinking about. A whole lot lately.

When is it right to tell someone how you feel? Feelings are important. But sharing them can be a bit difficult. I know, this is such a stereotypical girl post. But seriously.

I have been taught and come to understand that it's important to share how you feel, and not hold it all in. Holding in feelings creates stress, and can weigh you down. I've felt it. If something is bothering me, I've come to understand I should NEVER hold it in. I feel lighter, and happier when someone can help carry my burden. That's just from my experience and what I've been taught in psychology and elsewhere.

But in all seriousness, when is it okay to confront the person that you have a feeling for? Not necessarily a feeling of happiness, a crush, or love. But the total opposite. I know from experience that nothing will get resolved until you personally confront the person that is bothering you. I'm just so confused when it's okay. Because I worry so much on the worst things that could happen. People don't like to be told what they are doing wrong. But remember, you've always been taught that when there is an issue, you have three options.
1.) Drop it and forget about it, without getting the problem resolved
2.) Vent it to someone else and don't get the problem resolved
3.) Confront the person and get the problem resolved.

So like I've said for like the 3rd time now, confronting the person is the best option. But why is it that when  people do that, the other person gets offended? Why do people get mad when they are told something they are doing wrong? I know that I'm guilty of it. I know for a fact that when I'm told something I don't wanna hear, I have taken offense to it, but not every time though. Ever since coming to college, I've tried so hard during these "talks"  to understand where they are coming from, what I did wrong. I really try to put the effort into making them happier, and helping myself out.

But maybe that's why I have such an issue confronting the person. I don't want to hurt them. But then that leaves me holding it all in. Sometimes I just feel that I'm the one who is always at fault. I try to understand where people are coming from. I'm not in any way defensive, and when I realize what I've done is hurting others, I immediately apologize, and work on improving. I'll be the first one to do it.

 And I feel sometimes that when it's my turn to confront, people are defensive. And get mad. And they have too much pride to admit what they are doing is hurting other people. I don't attack people by any means, but I guess I'm just scared of how people will react from I do so. Which also leads to my problem of holding everything in.

 I guess I'll never know. Everyone is different, and reacts in different ways. I just wish people as a whole, including myself to not get to mad when people point out their weaknesses. They are only trying to help.


My apologies for rambling on so much. I wish I could explain it better, with everything I'm feeling. But this will do. For now. And props to you for reading this whole thing of nothing. Haha!!

A Time for Change.

It's been awhile since I've posted something, and I feel like I should get back into it. Typing all of this helps me relax and puts my focus back to where it should be.

This semester of school I've realized a lot of things about me, and I have an ideal image of me of who I want to become. Of course, in achieving my goal, I will make mistakes. I will mess up. I will get depressed, maybe cry, maybe do somethings that I'll regret. But that's the part that makes me grow stronger. When I'm vulnerable, and miserable. Being in this states helps me realize this is who I don't want to be. It is my duty to pull myself out, and become more qualified of my ideal self.

 I think this is why I feel like I can connect with people so easily about deep, life experiences. I don't want others to be miserable, stuck in a state where people dwell on the past. Or the future. I know there are a ton of people that have gone through much more than I have. However, the negative feelings I've personally felt and experienced others shouldn't have to. People deserve to be happy. I need to make people happy for my sanity. 

I know that I've messed up. I know that I've hurt people. I know that I may have ruined a lot of potentially good things. But I can honestly say that I'm grateful for it. I'm grateful to know that there is room for growth. And time for change. I'm grateful to understand my mistakes, and to know that this isn't who I'm supposed to be. I'm grateful for God in my life, who has been there by my side always, and has never left me. Even when I didn't put Him first in my life, I have always been His priority. I'm grateful for this experience. To learn, and to grow, and to change. I just hope that one day, someone will realize how far I've come. And not focus on the negatives that I've done. 

But for now, all I can really say is

I'm sorry. 

I must be getting old.

Unfortunately, this is fall number three on my poor foot. 

Yeah-- there is an ugly lace up brace on it. I've gotten a few people to think its some hooker boot. and then they realize I'm only wearing one boot. haha!!

But anyways, I just wanted to express how thankful I am that the three times I've hurt it, it hasn't been serious. 

My first time spraining it I was about 9 years old, and my foot got caught somehow in a stationary workout  bike that you find in a weight room. I'm not sure how, but I sprained it pretty bad and it took 2 weeks to heal. 

My second time was about 3 weeks ago. I was weed-eating on a hill, and somehow I lost my balance, and my ankle rolled and I fell on the cement and couldn't get back up. 

This time around, I was at this awesome place!! (Anti-Gravity Trampoline Arena!!)

It's this huge, way fun tampoline, and I was on a date there when it happened. My date was trying to "steal my bounce" when it happened. I landed on my feet wrong, and I heard a snap, and then I couldn't get back up. The staff worker thankfully was a nurse, and he said nothing was broken, just keep off my foot for awhile. 

All I just wanted to say, is how thankful I am that I had 3 unfortunate opportunities to severely hurt myself, and none of it happened. When I was weed-eating, I could have hit my head on the cement I landed on and could have burned myself severely with the weed whacker I was using. This time, I could have really broken a bone, since the pain was a LOT worse than it was the first two times. I'm thankful that God watches out and protects me. I can't take for granted for just having a sprained ankle. Although it hurts a lot still to walk on, there are people out there that are in much more pain than I am, and I am thankful for what I have. 

So everything is OKAY here in Cedar City!! :D

really understand something before you make a decision!!

For a few months now, I have been meaning to sign up at Gold's Gym, but honestly have just been too lazy to get myself there. So yesterday, my roommate and I took a ride up there to finally sign up. They were very nice, and polite. I was very impressed. They got me excited and they were really interested in what my goals were.

I was very excited, and was ready to start working out. After deciding to with the current no-contract deal and pay month to month, they had us talk to a trainer that wanted to help us. It was like a pep talk before a softball game, getting me all fired up to lose my freshmen-15. We really liked what they had to offer, so we both signed up for help twice a month to make sure we are on track.

After leaving the gym, we realized what we just did. We had just signed ourselves up with a personal trainer on contract for 12 months, paying them $120 PER MONTH ($60 per person) for TWO VISITS with the trainer. Although I understand it could be a lot pricier, asking a poor college student $60 plus an additional month to month pay is asking too much. I'd be spending $720 a year for to meet with one only 24 times!!! I'm not going to lie, they were VERY good at talking you into a personal trainer when you sign up for a gym. I also realized that I should have asked more questions. The trainer that set us up with a contraction talked very fast, and was quite confusing.

We read our contract the next day--thankfully we caught ourselves to quick, because we only had 3 business days to cancel our contract. We went back to Gold's the next day, and they still tried to talk us out of it. They got out their calculator and tried to figure out how much we make, and what our bills cost, how much is left over, blah blah blah. After we told them that we were really not interested (and this took awhile to convince them), they understood our priorities and needs. We still planned to come to the gym to workout, just not with a personal trainer.

So my lesson learned for the day: really understand what you're getting into when you sign a gym contract, or any contract for that matter. I'm very thankful that my roommate said something about the price when we came home, otherwise I'd totally would have just went to the trainer and paid money that I didn't really have.

Accepting yourself

This past weekend I've had some deep thinking about myself and how I am conducting my life. I feel as though I've been pretty obedient to my calling as a daughter of God. I attend church every Sunday, study my scriptures daily, have morning and evening prayer, offer my service to others, and try to be a nice person to others. I should be happy, since I'm trying to do the right things at the right time in the right places, but I feel as though something deep down is holding me back, and making me unhappy.




I've prayed to know what that missing something was in my heart and that I needed to fix in my life. After talking about it with a few people, I feel as though I need to accept myself the way I am and have patience. I know that these are two completely different ideas and I could ramble on and on about each of them and how each one has affected my life, but I'll try my best to keep it simple.




All my life, I've struggled to accept myself the way I am. I always wanted to be the girl next to me with such great potential and talent. The sporty type with an very humorous, outstanding personality. For me, I was always the average girl that wasn't sufficient at anything, and an okay sense of humor. Yes, I did have talent and still do have talent, but I was never really GREAT at one particular activity that I did. After talking about with a few close people in my life, what I found that helped me feel successful was how well rounded I am. Yes, I may never be terrific at anything, but look at all my accomplishments of what I CAN do !!
- Play softball (and pitch!!)
- Dance (ballet, tap, jazz, etc)
- Sing (sang in choir for 8 years)
- Play the piano, piccolo, euphonium


I am so thankful for God blessing me with talents that I can share with my future children. I know my sports, dance, and musical knowledge to help them. And for me to be average, which I am proud of being, I had to work at it. I had to practice softball 4-5 times a week. I developed patience, and of course  continuing to develop this trait. I danced for 8 years to get one little, simple lead in the Nutcracker. I don't even care that I had to share the lead with 2 other people. I practiced, and worked hard for something so simple. I had to wait until senior year to be in the highest choir and band. Before then, I was put in between the beginning level and highest level of musical talent my high school offered. I am so thankful to learning what hard work means, and for having the patience to do it!!


Although I am still learning how to accept myself the way I am, I know that I  am much better than I was back then. I am thankful for God in my life, and for blessing me with so many talents!

Olmsted Falls Varsity Team 2010

Senior Year of HS

Not quite sure what the year was, but I'm pretty sure it was either 8th grade or 9th. 

Chorale Fall Choir Concert

2010

(I'm in the front row, second one from the right with the very white, right arm. 

Softball Nationals 2009 in Sterling, Virginia

it was AWESOME!!

Freshmen Year of HS in Defiance, Ohio

Another fact about me:

I absolutely LOVEEEEE to shop!! I think I may have a problem about it too :/ but I don't care..I love LOVEEE getting new clothes. I would take pictures of myself and upload some new outfits I just bought, but I think that may be a little weird ;) 

I don't really know what to title this.

After hearing about journaling from my church on many occasions, I decided to cave in and try blogging out, and also the inspiration of my roommate.  I hope this will be a great opportunity that my family and friends back home will know what's going on in my life, and possibly get to know me even more than they already do.

So I'll try and write one thing about myself that defines me on every entry. The first one and the most important aspect about my life is that I am a latter-day saint!! 

This what we call a Mormon temple, and this one is located in Las Vegas. There are many throughout the United States, as well as the world. There are currently 134 operating temples in the world, 11 under construction, and 15 announced ones. This place brings me such peace and happiness every single time I go inside. I honestly love the Gospel, and would never EVER  trade it for anything in the world.