Tuesday, May 13, 2014

Overcoming things

Many of you do not know my story. Some of you do. I've been contemplating whether to share my story with others or not. I'm not the best 'blogger' or writer, but after attempting to write this story several times and whether to open it up to people, I've decided to put myself out there. I have seen many miraculous transformations even on my Facebook that I wanted to share mine, in hopes to touch the life of just one person who is struggling. Whether that be an addiction, with our Savior Jesus Christ, or some other form of stress. Most of this information is extremely personal, so please read it with tenderness.

And I must add, I will talk about some people here. I'm not bashing on them, I do not hate anyone, I am no longer mad, etc. I am simply trying to explain what it was like through my eyes. I want to show people how I felt, and with that, I have to talk about people that were part of how I felt. Please DO NOT shame them, scold them, criticize them, or whatever. It is in my past, I have moved on, please don't dwell on it.
It started a few years ago. Exactly a year and a half ago, almost. I was studying school down at Southern Utah University. I had everything going for me. I was on my way to my studying psychology, I had a testimony of the Gospel, I was in a place where I was happy.
However, despite my happiness, something felt wrong. It was in the back of my mind because I was in school full time, but I felt that I needed to do some study abroad thing, or some volunteer work, or something. I couldn't quite figure it out. I looked into Peace Corps, international volunteer programs, and yes, even the military. I wasn't quite getting it. I told my parents about my feelings, and they simply said to brush it off and focus on my school. I could do something over the summer or after I graduate, but in the mean time, I needed to focus on school. 

Finally I got the answer to my prayer. It was General Conference Fall of 2013. The prophet made an announcement to the change in missionary age. That exact moment, that exact time, the feeling I had was indescribable. It was an answer to my prayer. It was what I was looking for. Although I would be 21 by the time I finished out the semester and got my papers in, it was what I was looking for. I prepared myself diligently there. I prayed, read my scriptures, attended the temple as often as I could.

I was doing everything I could to stay worthy. I felt God's love for me like I've never felt before. He seemed to really be listening to me. I often felt like I had some angel watching out for me always, and I always felt it. Granted, being raised in the church, if we remain close with the Lord, the Holy Ghost will always be with us. However, this was different. It was special, it was surreal. It was a miracle. 

I packed everything up and headed up after the semester to prepare myself for a mission. Nothing was going to stop me now. I started shopping for clothes that were conservatively modest. I was praying. I was trying to help others as much as I could. I got a calling as the Primary Chorister. I loved every minute of it. I got my job back at Arby's. Although it is fast food, I was already trained and I was comfortable there. It was just one good thing after another. 

On my second day of work, I met this guy named Lance. Lance to me was super attractive. He was caring and helped me jumped my car when the battery died. I haven't had this kind of "crush" in a long time. He made me feel special. Back at school, I probably only went on a handful of dates, but it was nothing serious. He would make the effort to talk to me, to hang out with me, the make me feel pretty. Everyday I liked him more and more. However, he was not a member of the church. I told him from the beginning that I was going on a mission and told him the steps I was taking to prepare for it. I told him about the things I would not do with him, the whole nine yards. He agreed and understood and supported me. It was 

Things started getting a little serious. I was questioning my mission and my purpose for being home. I was really into Lance. Some nights, we would be working till some hour in the morning, and I would just go to his house and crash. Nothing happening. Some nights I was there late at his house and I crashed and fell asleep. If any of you know me, you know that if its late at night and you put in a movie, there is a 99% chance I will fall asleep, even it is only 11pm. 

These "sleepovers" meant nothing. Nothing happened except sleep. I know severalllllllllllll people that have sleepovers with their boyfriend or girlfriend, and then go on a mission just fine. They get married into the temple just fine. But I felt guilty. Something didn't feel right about these sleepovers. I was talking with a fellow sister in my home ward, and she told me to go talk to the bishop. I went in there with a guilty heart, ready to get back on track. However, it did not turn out the way I had planned. 

I was told to not open my mission call (I was expecting it any day), I could not take the sacrament for a long period of time, and that if I wanted to consider a mission, I needed to spend 6 months to a year repenting for my sins. 

I was angry. I couldn't understand why I was being punished to harshly. Taking away my call, telling me that I had to wait 6 months to a year, AND the sacrament?? I walked out of that office angry. I was bitter. Going to college, I saw it all the time. I saw sleepovers, yet people were going on missions just fine. WHY ME? Should I be even more ready to go on a mission because I confessed about it? I don't know if I will ever understand it, but this is how I felt. 

My bitterness turned even more bitterness. I paid more attention to Lance. I started drinking alcohol. I was introduced to pornography. I found that these things were so cool. The church is strongly against these things, and yet I wanted to know more about them. I didn't drink too much, but boy did it state good. The feeling of being drunk was actually kind of fun, except going to the bathroom every couple minutes. I was getting heavily into pornography. I watched it several times a day. I didn't really feel like it was affecting my work or my personal life, I just did it when I was at home bored. I didn't see anything wrong with either.

 I only went to church for my parents. Some days I skipped. I felt 'mehh' about it. I was still angry. I asked to be released from my calling because I knew I wasn't worthy to have one. Some of the sisters really reached out to me and tried to help. I thanked them for their kindness, but I was still bitter at my bishop. It's hard to go to a church where the head person of the congregation is the one you hate the most. 

This "rebellion" lasted for almost 6-7 months. There was one night toward the end where I was at a party and I was drinking a lot, and quite fast. I wanted to drink that beer and get as drunk as I could. I wanted to get away from it all. I was soo upset I could not go on a mission. The thing I've been preparing my life for. Now look where my life was. As you can imagined, I was throwing up all night, and even into the next morning. It was then I decided that maybe alcohol wasn't for me. I NEVER wanted to experience that again. 

However, the pornography was a little bit different. Whenever I was upset, the porn was always there. There are a LOT of psychological reasons and personal reasons why I liked it, but this is not the place for that. It made me feel good. I desired it more and more. If the bishop was going to punish me, I was going to give him a reason to punish it. Porn (and alcohol) was it. 

Finally it came time to decide if I wanted to go back to school. I'd be a fool if I didn't get my degree, but that meant leaving Lance. I was a resident of Utah, so going to school out there was much cheaper. I decided to get a brand new start at the University of Utah. 

The first week there, my dad and I decided to go to temple square and hear on Sunday the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. I cannot explain to you what I felt as I walked into the conference center and heard them sing. I couldn't control the tears from my eyes. I felt that this was where I needed to be. 

The next Sunday I went to my new bishop in my Young Single Adult ward, and he welcomed me with open arms. He was the man I have been searching for. He was someone who really could help me. He got me into the LDS family services with a therapist. 

I could go on and on about what happened since I met him about 9 months ago, but I'd be here writing for another hour. 

I know that the Gospel is true, and that through Christ we can overcome ALL things, whether it is a pornography addiction, alcohol, thinking negatively, etc. Yes, I have had little lapses. I had the desire to never do pornography again, but I still had lapses. Thankfully he still thought the world of me. I felt special. Overcoming a trial is very difficult. To this day, I can't help but get those urges. I urge you to have a goal on mind. I had a goal to get my endowments when I graduate, despite these lapses. About February or March, I was determined I will do this. I turned away from it and started getting involved with my ward more. I started being more outgoing. I started helping others. I started being nicer. I really had to make an effort and train my brain to turn my mind to other things besides those urges. I will always get them, but to have self control takes a lot of effort. 

I'm thankful for all the people who have helped me along the way. I have let go of the bitterness. I drank and swallowed the bitterness. It is no longer a part of me. Good can overcome all evil. Without Christ,  and knowing he felt the same pain I did allowed me develop into the person I am becoming. I am hopeful. I know that this is not where I am going to stop. 

My hope is to help one person with my story. I hope that each person that reads this knows that struggles will never go away. However, when we turn to the Lord he can lift the burden. HE knows, he understands. Please don't push him away, but embrace His gentle, loving, Spirit.

Tuesday, January 1, 2013

I just don't have time

Wow!! It's been so long since I've blogged, almost an entire year! I personally think that it's because
1.) Nobody really blogs anymore - minus a few people
2.) I have better things to do
3.) I don't really have the time

Wait a minute. It takes maybe 30 minutes, one hour TOPS to write a blog, and I never had an hour to spare to write my own feelings, my thoughts, etc down?? If I have the time to watch Dance Moms, or The Bachelor/Bachelorette, Once Upon a Time, Netflix shows, Ghost Adventures, almost any show on TLC,  and any other show/movie
I NEVER had the TIME??? pshh a bunch of bull I'll say.

I have an idea. Maybe it's not that we have time, but we don't have it as a priority? How many times conversations have you had where you or the other person said they never have time? Some of the times, they really don't. Time is short. Time disappears, people sometimes are REALLY busy.

But I believe, MOST of the time, we really have time for what we make time for.

Here a list of what I actually make time for (in no particular order):
Keeping up with hygiene
School- when I'm not working
Working- when I'm not in school
Doing my church callings
Attending church
My TV shows

Now this may seem like a big list. But really,  a lot of it is just "blah." Obviously there are many areas I can improve. I really don't have to watch all the shows I watch. I could spare that hour and help a friend out. I could spare that hour to go volunteer. I could spare that hour trying to learn a new skill. I could spare that hour reading The Book of Mormon and studying the Word of God.

Whatever the excuse may be, you always have time. What are your priorities? Think about them. Every single person probably intrinsically thinks that all their priorities are set and perfect, or close to it. Think again. There are areas where you can improve, definitely myself included.  You can spare that hour, once a week.

So here's to a new year, new adventures, new memories.
This is my priority list/goals for the new year

- Read The Book of Mormon in 60 days. (that's right, time to put God first again!!)
-Eat more healthier by controlling my sugar intake
- Lose 5-10 pounds (because of my weight gain, all my pants are now wayy to small!!)
- Continue to prepare for a LDS mission by working on my weaknesses (and strengths) with the Gospel
- Turn in my mission papers by January 13
-Continue to increase my skill in cooking and baking
   ..To be continued...

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Socially Awkward People.

I've kind of been in a contemplating mood lately. I've been in such deep thought,  I'm sometimes at a loss of  where I stand.

As a recent conversation with a good friend, I was telling him about some things that have been concerning me. I was giving him the "woe is me" speech and just needed some encouragement about some particular issues. He then told me that there are quirks that I have that might drive people away from me.

Although I could have replied insultingly, I was just in awe struck by how people really do control their friendliness with other people by how weird or quirky they are.

For example, EVERYONE has met a person, and thought "man, this person is SOOOO weird, just get me away!, I don't want to be his or her friend." Why do we do that? Why do we need to focus on that ONE, maybe TWO weaknesses (or quirk, or just different lifestyle than you).

I know that a lot of our close friends are as close as they are because of the similarities they have with us. We surround ourselves by people who maybe share the same values, standards, and sense of humor, etc like us. But what about people who are socially awkward? From personal experience and talking with other people, I know that socially awkward people tend to shy away from social places because of past bad experiences of talking to another person. Because of not being accepted. And being considered "weird" (when in reality, nobody is necessarily normal). You do not have to be best friends with every one. But to be more tolerable, accepting, and willing to be everyone's friend.

I'm not saying to go out and marry a drug addict or an alcoholic because it's a quirk and it's different standards than yours. That's a lifestyle. You should marry with someone of the same values as you. But, on another note, we need to be more accepting of people. You can't change people, people change themselves. You can influence them, but not control them.

Even change is a hard concept. You can change your lifestyle behaviors, like smoking, drinking, or drug intake, etc. But you're quirks and shortcomings, your personality, your predispositions, those overall you can't change. Your cognitive thinking and actions are very hard to change once they're set. Honestly, I just hate how people don't like certain people because of some dumb quirk they have.

Maybe this only makes sense in my mind, and for it to make sense with one person, I've achieved enough. Go out and make new friends. So what if they talk or do stuff differently than you. Everybody could use more friends. Loyal, accepting, trusting friends. If you see people sitting in church alone, or at a party talking to nobody, go sit or talk to them. I've learned that people, and it doesn't matter who they are, are fascinating creatures. Deviate from the norm, and don't do what everyone else does. People stick with people they know and feel secure around. People sit with people at church that they are most comfortable around and closest too. Go meet someone different than you. Go meet someone socially awkward or weird and be their friend, accept who they are. Because people are awesome. The End.

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

I freaking love my major!!!

I think I found my answer. 

All my other posts have been so depressing, and only after 3 weeks of intense psychology classes I have found ways to be happy. I'm so happy to be studying psychology.  It's gotten really hard, but I've noticed and learned so much about myself that I would never have learned if it weren't  for these psychology classes and talking to a few people. 

Ever since coming back to Utah, I have been so sad and miserable, and I admit, I would call my mom almost everyday to talk to her. I've thought about changing schools, or just dropping out of school and going home. I've lost a lot of weight these past few weeks because of so much stress.

However, I'm not here to talk about that. I'm here because I want everyone to know that 

Life is okay!! 

Even when you feel like you hit rock bottom. And you think that there is nobody else that can understand you. When you feel like hiding away from your friends and just want to hide in your room the rest of your life. Even when you just want to give up on life in general, and move somewhere else so you can start over. 

Life is still OKAY

One thing that I've learned is that you can't let other people control your mood. Yes, people can influence you r mood. And there will be times when someone offends you or makes you irritated or annoyed. That's all part of life. But when you're living life and letting others control your mood, that isn't going to get you anywhere. What people say and think about you, you shouldn't care at all. The person that just talked behind your back and you found out about it? WHO CARES!! Just be yourself. And people will either accept you and those are true friends, or people don't accept you and you shouldn't waste your time with those people. 

You just need to wake up every morning and think to yourself, I'm happy! Don't think about the day before and all the things that annoyed you. Just let it go. Things will fall into place. 

One thing that is helping me get over this depressing stage in my life are compliments. Try going a little bit out of your way to help a friend, and making their day. I've noticed a change in my attitude and mood when I send a text to a friend and tell them how much I am thankful they are in my life. 

There is so much more that I want to say, but now writers block is taking over. Maybe I'll make another post continuing this one. People deserve to be happy, and I'm grateful that for my parents, bishop, and anyone that I've talked to personally about my life. And of course, I'm grateful for my major. I love helping people, and figuring stuff out about me while helping people. 

That's all for now. 

Sunday, November 13, 2011

I ramble on way too much.

I've been thinking, and pondering about myself as a person a whole lot. And as I said in my last post, I have this ideal image of myself of who I want to become; who I aspire to be.

 But the question is, will I ever be good enough? Will there ever be a time where I can be happy with myself?

...Maybe not. Yeah, I should keep improving myself, and make myself better. But I should consider applying it to the present. Accepting myself as a person now. Don't get me wrong, I don't sit and criticize myself all day long. What I really need is to let go of things of the past, and let go of things of the future. This reminds of Linkin Park's song Iridescent, which has gotten me through soo much lately.

The chorus says
"Do you feel cold and lost in desperation?
You build up hope, but failure's all you've known
Remember All the sadness and frustration
And let it go"

I feel like this applies to me in every aspect about my life. Everything that has happened to me. Every tear, feeling of loneliness, every failure. Let it go. Move on.

I feel like I am contradicting myself from my last post. I really do try not to dwell on the past. I think my weakness how worried I get. About everything.

Which brings me to the next thing I've been thinking about. A whole lot lately.

When is it right to tell someone how you feel? Feelings are important. But sharing them can be a bit difficult. I know, this is such a stereotypical girl post. But seriously.

I have been taught and come to understand that it's important to share how you feel, and not hold it all in. Holding in feelings creates stress, and can weigh you down. I've felt it. If something is bothering me, I've come to understand I should NEVER hold it in. I feel lighter, and happier when someone can help carry my burden. That's just from my experience and what I've been taught in psychology and elsewhere.

But in all seriousness, when is it okay to confront the person that you have a feeling for? Not necessarily a feeling of happiness, a crush, or love. But the total opposite. I know from experience that nothing will get resolved until you personally confront the person that is bothering you. I'm just so confused when it's okay. Because I worry so much on the worst things that could happen. People don't like to be told what they are doing wrong. But remember, you've always been taught that when there is an issue, you have three options.
1.) Drop it and forget about it, without getting the problem resolved
2.) Vent it to someone else and don't get the problem resolved
3.) Confront the person and get the problem resolved.

So like I've said for like the 3rd time now, confronting the person is the best option. But why is it that when  people do that, the other person gets offended? Why do people get mad when they are told something they are doing wrong? I know that I'm guilty of it. I know for a fact that when I'm told something I don't wanna hear, I have taken offense to it, but not every time though. Ever since coming to college, I've tried so hard during these "talks"  to understand where they are coming from, what I did wrong. I really try to put the effort into making them happier, and helping myself out.

But maybe that's why I have such an issue confronting the person. I don't want to hurt them. But then that leaves me holding it all in. Sometimes I just feel that I'm the one who is always at fault. I try to understand where people are coming from. I'm not in any way defensive, and when I realize what I've done is hurting others, I immediately apologize, and work on improving. I'll be the first one to do it.

 And I feel sometimes that when it's my turn to confront, people are defensive. And get mad. And they have too much pride to admit what they are doing is hurting other people. I don't attack people by any means, but I guess I'm just scared of how people will react from I do so. Which also leads to my problem of holding everything in.

 I guess I'll never know. Everyone is different, and reacts in different ways. I just wish people as a whole, including myself to not get to mad when people point out their weaknesses. They are only trying to help.

My apologies for rambling on so much. I wish I could explain it better, with everything I'm feeling. But this will do. For now. And props to you for reading this whole thing of nothing. Haha!!

Monday, November 7, 2011

A Time for Change.

It's been awhile since I've posted something, and I feel like I should get back into it. Typing all of this helps me relax and puts my focus back to where it should be.

This semester of school I've realized a lot of things about me, and I have an ideal image of me of who I want to become. Of course, in achieving my goal, I will make mistakes. I will mess up. I will get depressed, maybe cry, maybe do somethings that I'll regret. But that's the part that makes me grow stronger. When I'm vulnerable, and miserable. Being in this states helps me realize this is who I don't want to be. It is my duty to pull myself out, and become more qualified of my ideal self.

 I think this is why I feel like I can connect with people so easily about deep, life experiences. I don't want others to be miserable, stuck in a state where people dwell on the past. Or the future. I know there are a ton of people that have gone through much more than I have. However, the negative feelings I've personally felt and experienced others shouldn't have to. People deserve to be happy. I need to make people happy for my sanity. 

I know that I've messed up. I know that I've hurt people. I know that I may have ruined a lot of potentially good things. But I can honestly say that I'm grateful for it. I'm grateful to know that there is room for growth. And time for change. I'm grateful to understand my mistakes, and to know that this isn't who I'm supposed to be. I'm grateful for God in my life, who has been there by my side always, and has never left me. Even when I didn't put Him first in my life, I have always been His priority. I'm grateful for this experience. To learn, and to grow, and to change. I just hope that one day, someone will realize how far I've come. And not focus on the negatives that I've done. 

But for now, all I can really say is

I'm sorry. 

Sunday, July 24, 2011

I must be getting old.

Unfortunately, this is fall number three on my poor foot. 

Yeah-- there is an ugly lace up brace on it. I've gotten a few people to think its some hooker boot. and then they realize I'm only wearing one boot. haha!!

But anyways, I just wanted to express how thankful I am that the three times I've hurt it, it hasn't been serious. 

My first time spraining it I was about 9 years old, and my foot got caught somehow in a stationary workout  bike that you find in a weight room. I'm not sure how, but I sprained it pretty bad and it took 2 weeks to heal. 

My second time was about 3 weeks ago. I was weed-eating on a hill, and somehow I lost my balance, and my ankle rolled and I fell on the cement and couldn't get back up. 

This time around, I was at this awesome place!! (Anti-Gravity Trampoline Arena!!)

It's this huge, way fun tampoline, and I was on a date there when it happened. My date was trying to "steal my bounce" when it happened. I landed on my feet wrong, and I heard a snap, and then I couldn't get back up. The staff worker thankfully was a nurse, and he said nothing was broken, just keep off my foot for awhile. 

All I just wanted to say, is how thankful I am that I had 3 unfortunate opportunities to severely hurt myself, and none of it happened. When I was weed-eating, I could have hit my head on the cement I landed on and could have burned myself severely with the weed whacker I was using. This time, I could have really broken a bone, since the pain was a LOT worse than it was the first two times. I'm thankful that God watches out and protects me. I can't take for granted for just having a sprained ankle. Although it hurts a lot still to walk on, there are people out there that are in much more pain than I am, and I am thankful for what I have. 

So everything is OKAY here in Cedar City!! :D