I ramble on way too much.

I've been thinking, and pondering about myself as a person a whole lot. And as I said in my last post, I have this ideal image of myself of who I want to become; who I aspire to be.

 But the question is, will I ever be good enough? Will there ever be a time where I can be happy with myself?

...Maybe not. Yeah, I should keep improving myself, and make myself better. But I should consider applying it to the present. Accepting myself as a person now. Don't get me wrong, I don't sit and criticize myself all day long. What I really need is to let go of things of the past, and let go of things of the future. This reminds of Linkin Park's song Iridescent, which has gotten me through soo much lately.

The chorus says
"Do you feel cold and lost in desperation?
You build up hope, but failure's all you've known
Remember All the sadness and frustration
And let it go"

I feel like this applies to me in every aspect about my life. Everything that has happened to me. Every tear, feeling of loneliness, every failure. Let it go. Move on.

I feel like I am contradicting myself from my last post. I really do try not to dwell on the past. I think my weakness how worried I get. About everything.

Which brings me to the next thing I've been thinking about. A whole lot lately.

When is it right to tell someone how you feel? Feelings are important. But sharing them can be a bit difficult. I know, this is such a stereotypical girl post. But seriously.

I have been taught and come to understand that it's important to share how you feel, and not hold it all in. Holding in feelings creates stress, and can weigh you down. I've felt it. If something is bothering me, I've come to understand I should NEVER hold it in. I feel lighter, and happier when someone can help carry my burden. That's just from my experience and what I've been taught in psychology and elsewhere.

But in all seriousness, when is it okay to confront the person that you have a feeling for? Not necessarily a feeling of happiness, a crush, or love. But the total opposite. I know from experience that nothing will get resolved until you personally confront the person that is bothering you. I'm just so confused when it's okay. Because I worry so much on the worst things that could happen. People don't like to be told what they are doing wrong. But remember, you've always been taught that when there is an issue, you have three options.
1.) Drop it and forget about it, without getting the problem resolved
2.) Vent it to someone else and don't get the problem resolved
3.) Confront the person and get the problem resolved.

So like I've said for like the 3rd time now, confronting the person is the best option. But why is it that when  people do that, the other person gets offended? Why do people get mad when they are told something they are doing wrong? I know that I'm guilty of it. I know for a fact that when I'm told something I don't wanna hear, I have taken offense to it, but not every time though. Ever since coming to college, I've tried so hard during these "talks"  to understand where they are coming from, what I did wrong. I really try to put the effort into making them happier, and helping myself out.

But maybe that's why I have such an issue confronting the person. I don't want to hurt them. But then that leaves me holding it all in. Sometimes I just feel that I'm the one who is always at fault. I try to understand where people are coming from. I'm not in any way defensive, and when I realize what I've done is hurting others, I immediately apologize, and work on improving. I'll be the first one to do it.

 And I feel sometimes that when it's my turn to confront, people are defensive. And get mad. And they have too much pride to admit what they are doing is hurting other people. I don't attack people by any means, but I guess I'm just scared of how people will react from I do so. Which also leads to my problem of holding everything in.

 I guess I'll never know. Everyone is different, and reacts in different ways. I just wish people as a whole, including myself to not get to mad when people point out their weaknesses. They are only trying to help.


My apologies for rambling on so much. I wish I could explain it better, with everything I'm feeling. But this will do. For now. And props to you for reading this whole thing of nothing. Haha!!

A Time for Change.

It's been awhile since I've posted something, and I feel like I should get back into it. Typing all of this helps me relax and puts my focus back to where it should be.

This semester of school I've realized a lot of things about me, and I have an ideal image of me of who I want to become. Of course, in achieving my goal, I will make mistakes. I will mess up. I will get depressed, maybe cry, maybe do somethings that I'll regret. But that's the part that makes me grow stronger. When I'm vulnerable, and miserable. Being in this states helps me realize this is who I don't want to be. It is my duty to pull myself out, and become more qualified of my ideal self.

 I think this is why I feel like I can connect with people so easily about deep, life experiences. I don't want others to be miserable, stuck in a state where people dwell on the past. Or the future. I know there are a ton of people that have gone through much more than I have. However, the negative feelings I've personally felt and experienced others shouldn't have to. People deserve to be happy. I need to make people happy for my sanity. 

I know that I've messed up. I know that I've hurt people. I know that I may have ruined a lot of potentially good things. But I can honestly say that I'm grateful for it. I'm grateful to know that there is room for growth. And time for change. I'm grateful to understand my mistakes, and to know that this isn't who I'm supposed to be. I'm grateful for God in my life, who has been there by my side always, and has never left me. Even when I didn't put Him first in my life, I have always been His priority. I'm grateful for this experience. To learn, and to grow, and to change. I just hope that one day, someone will realize how far I've come. And not focus on the negatives that I've done. 

But for now, all I can really say is

I'm sorry.